David Emami hadn’t ever run a marathon, but after watching a special on PBS about them, he decided it was something he had to try. He knew he first had to get in shape, so the day before the marathon, David pulled out some feminine looking 2 pound dumbbells and began lifting them enthusiastically. He did 10 on each arm and after feeling a very slight tingle, he said, “That should do it.” He then rested for 3 hours on the couch while watching The Golden Girls because, as he figured, a runner should be well rested before a race. He went to bed after that and was ready for the big day.
When he awoke, David quickly downed a bottle of red Gatorade and then proceeded to do 30 seconds of stretching. He slipped on his obscenely short running shorts that left very little to the imagination and a tank top with kittens on it. He was ready for the race and figured that his grueling preparations would ensure a first place win.
When he arrived in Downtown Portland, thousands of people watched as the racers lined up with their numbers across their shirts. David felt a little intimidated when he realized that everyone around him seemed very in shape and prepared. David, however, felt tired and had to pee very badly, but there was no time to waste; he had a race to win.
The gunshot signalled the start of the race, and David began sprinting with all his might. He ran for about 2 blocks, then slowed down to a slow jog, then after another block, he started to walk, then after 1 more block, he threw his hands up in the air, barely able to breathe, and said faintly, “Oh, forget it!”
People whizzed by David, but he worked his way back to the sidewalk to groups of onlookers cheering him on. “Save your cheers for someone else,” he said defeated, “I’m going home to watch The Lawrence Welk Show with Fred and Barbra Streisand.”
People looked at him, confused, then quickly forgot about him and continued cheering on the others.
David went home, certain he was going to die of a heart attack, then treated himself to a Hungry Man frozen turkey dinner and spent the evening with his cats.
David Emami is Alone in Portland is a collection of stories that peer into the life of a middle-aged curmudgeon with a fondness for cats and antiques.
Playfully illustrated with Bitmoji characters, his story comes to life as each day brings a new adventure.
He was obsessive compulsive and mad about antiques. The apartment was covered, top to bottom, in decor that would be more aligned with that of an old woman that peaked in the 1960s. david-emami-takes-on-portland.html
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