David Emami enjoyed his peace and quiet and highly disliked having visitors (especially when they were unexpected). While watching a special on PBS about the life of painter Bob Ross, David heard a knock on the door. He rolled his eyes, and slowly walked to the door. He opened it up and standing before him were two missionaries dressed in a finely pressed black suits.
“Good evening, we’re missionaries from The Church of the Vine and we’re here to share a message of hope with you,” said one of the missionaries with a blushing red face and striking part in his blonde hair.
“Well, the only hope I have is that you’ll leave me alone so I can find out how Bob Ross died,” replied David.
“Well, speaking of death, we have a message that can help you better understand what comes after this life. Would you mind if we shared it with you?”
“I’d rather not. I have to feed Fred and Barbra Streisand soon or they’ll perish from hunger.”
“What we bring is food for the spirit. Did you know that your spirit needs to be fed?” asked the other missionary, this one with red hair and freckles.
“I did know that. That’s why I listen to smooth jazz and watch The Lawrence Welk Show. If that show isn’t from God, then I don’t know what is.”
“I’m happy to hear you’re finding peace in your life. Why don’t we come in and get to know you a little better?”
“My, you’re a persistent bunch!” said David, rather annoyed. “Won’t you just go away and leave me alone? I pay my bills and work hard so I can have peace and quiet without annoying people knocking on my door!”
“I’m sorry you feel that way. Our message can help you deal with life’s daily annoyances.”
“My goodness, your message truly answers all of life’s questions, doesn’t it?!” replied David mockingly.
“Actually, it does,” said the blonde one.
David was silent for a moment. “Okay, why don’t you come in?” David couldn’t believe what he was saying. The missionaries came into his apartment and began to sit down.
David told them, “I hope you don’t mind my cats. They won’t hurt you.”
The red-headed missionary said, “I’m more of a dog person myself.”
David darted to his feet and yelled, “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you! Get out now!”
The missionaries looked shocked. “I was just joking,” he replied.
“I don’t care. You’ve offended Barbra Streisand and now I’ll hear about it all night! Get out before I phone the police!”
The missionaries left, apologizing the whole time, but David wouldn’t have it. Once they were gone, David relaxed back onto the couch and quickly forgot about the whole thing.
David Emami is Alone in Portland is a collection of stories that peer into the life of a middle-aged curmudgeon with a fondness for cats and antiques.
Playfully illustrated with Bitmoji characters, his story comes to life as each day brings a new adventure.
He was obsessive compulsive and mad about antiques. The apartment was covered, top to bottom, in decor that would be more aligned with that of an old woman that peaked in the 1960s. david-emami-takes-on-portland.html
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