David Emami was determined to try to eat healthier. He had been feeling sluggish and seemed to always have heartburn (which was probably because he typically lived off of Hungry Man frozen dinners and Totino’s frozen pizzas). He hated cooking because it made messes, but he knew he had to do something different, or he was sure he would die.
After seeing a commercial for a juicer, David decided that the best way to get all those nutrients into his system was through juicing. David bought his new juicer and loaded up his shopping cart with fruits and vegetables. He was eager to begin juicing as soon as he got home.
When he arrived at his apartment, he loaded all of his produce and set up the juicer. He read the manual and soon, he was ready to begin a new life of drinking his vitamins. He was certain his life would be changed forever. He imagined sipping his juice while running on a treadmill and flexing his thin arms for onlookers as they walked by.
He decided to put a carrot in first, and after his cup filled a bit with juice, he tossed in a radish and an apple. The mixture looked odd and smelled strange, but David figured it would have to taste divine because, after all, it was just juice. David took a sip and spit it across the backsplash of his kitchen.
“That’s horrible!” he screamed. He dumped it into Fred and Barbra Streisand’s cat dish and said, “You guys can have that one. Time to try another recipe.”
He sliced a mango and put it in the juicer, followed by a stick of celery and, finally a few mint leaves. He stirred the mixture and took a drink. Again, he spit it across the kitchen and hollered, “What a horrible taste!” He poured it into another dish for his cats. If he couldn’t get healthy, maybe they could.
David was done with juicing. He took all of his vegetables, put them in a giant trash bag, and tossed them out his window next to Lonnie, a homeless man. “Lonnie, here’s some food for you. Enjoy. I know I didn’t.” He slammed his window quickly, then grabbed his juicer, marched down the stairs, and threw it in the dumpster. “Good riddance,” he said as he slammed the lid.
He had thrown away many perfectly good things in his life, but he didn’t seem to care.
David Emami is Alone in Portland is a collection of stories that peer into the life of a middle-aged curmudgeon with a fondness for cats and antiques.
Playfully illustrated with Bitmoji characters, his story comes to life as each day brings a new adventure.
He was obsessive compulsive and mad about antiques. The apartment was covered, top to bottom, in decor that would be more aligned with that of an old woman that peaked in the 1960s. david-emami-takes-on-portland.html
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