David Emami loved decorating for Halloween almost as much as he loved decorating for Christmas. He put out pumpkins, orange lights, and regularly listened to “The Monster Mash” throughout the month of October.
At last, the spooky night was upon him, and he had a bowl full of goodies to give out to the various trick or treaters that were sure to come his way.
David waited patiently on the couch with Fred and Barbra Streisand while watching The Lawrence Welk Show’s Halloween special. He held his candy bowl on his lap, indulging in the sugary treats as the night went on.
This year, David had chosen Japanese seaweed candies which he had seen on a PBS show that focused on Japanese culture. He looked all over the city for the candy and was pleasantly surprised when he finally found them. He quickly became addicted to them and was certain that the children would love them as well.
The doorbell rang and David quickly put on his faded plastic Chewbacca mask he had received in a cereal box nearly 40 years earlier. It looked nothing like Chewbacca, but instead made David look like a raging lunatic.
He opened the door and heard the ceremonial trick or treat. David looked at a little girl’s princess costume and said, “What a cliche! Your mother must be okay with mediocrity.” The kids looked at him, confused. “Well, I suppose you want some candy, so have at it!” They looked into the bowl and hesitantly grabbed 1 per child.
“What kind of crap is this?” asked a tall child wearing a Transformer costume.
“It’s only the finest Japanese candy. It’s made with seaweed!” replied David with a proud smile.
The child threw it on the ground, causing it to bounce off the side and fall into the bush below. “I don’t want to eat that garbage!”
David pulled the bowl back toward him and screamed, “You uncultured brat! Get off of my porch! All of you!” David slammed the door and went back to his couch fuming mad.
He looked at Barbra Streisand, who stared at him with her single oozing eye. “Can you believe how rude kids are these days? There’s no respect.”
The doorbell continued to ring throughout the night, but David didn’t even both to open it. He watched television while eating two pounds of Japanese seaweed candy and drinking a chocolate Ensure.
Suddenly, he heard several thumping cracks against his door. He sprang up and threw open the door and found it covered in about a dozen cracked eggs which oozed down in messy globs.
He also noticed his 3 pumpkins, which had been lovingly carved depicting crudely etched out faces that barely resembled cat faces, were smashed over the balcony and were now destroyed.
“You can all go to hell!” he screamed as he slammed his door, completely defeated. He quickly ripped down his decorations and told his cats, “I hope you enjoyed those decorations. It might be the last year I put them up!”
David Emami is Alone in Portland is a collection of stories that peer into the life of a middle-aged curmudgeon with a fondness for cats and antiques.
Playfully illustrated with Bitmoji characters, his story comes to life as each day brings a new adventure.
He was obsessive compulsive and mad about antiques. The apartment was covered, top to bottom, in decor that would be more aligned with that of an old woman that peaked in the 1960s. david-emami-takes-on-portland.html
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