David Emami smelled something rank in his apartment and realized that it had been a long time since he had given Fred and Barbra Streisand a bath. When money allowed, he sent his cats to Kitty Perry, a luxury salon for cats located in Downtown Portland that treated them for a day at the spa. However, he had just purchased a $500 antique pair of roller skates and decided that he should do the bathing on his own.
He started the bath, and his cats quickly hid under the bed. “Come on, Fred! Come on, Barbra Streisand!” He dangled some turkey at the end of the bed, but they wouldn’t go near it. “You smell foul! I’m doing this for your own good!” At last, he realized he had no other options, and grabbed them both as they screamed and hissed at him. “Oh, come on, that’s no way to treat your mother.”
He took the cats into the bathroom and they clawed and scratched at his ribcage and forearms. “Stop that! You’re both being very immature!” He plopped them into the bath and they cried with low, deep meows. “Please forgive me for this. I’m truly sorry.” He tossed in a bath bomb and the water began bubbling and fizzing. “That should make you smell like roses! I purchased it just for you two!”
He scrubbed the cats as they hissed and tried to escape, but David was a professional and knew he had to stand to his ground. After about 10 minutes and several bloody scratches across his body, David emptied the tub and quickly wrapped his cats tightly in warm towels.
He held them like babies in their swaddle and they looked back at him with contempt. “My children! My precious, sweet babies!” He then put them on the ground and they darted away from him and hid under the bed, certain they were going to die. At last, the smell had disappeared and was replaced with the aroma of roses.
David looked under the bed and said, “You might hate me right now, but you’ll thank me when you dry off.” David went back into the bathroom and put bandages over his arms and rib cage. It was worth it.
David Emami is Alone in Portland is a collection of stories that peer into the life of a middle-aged curmudgeon with a fondness for cats and antiques.
Playfully illustrated with Bitmoji characters, his story comes to life as each day brings a new adventure.
He was obsessive compulsive and mad about antiques. The apartment was covered, top to bottom, in decor that would be more aligned with that of an old woman that peaked in the 1960s. david-emami-takes-on-portland.html
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