David Emami hadn’t gone ice skating at the Lloyd Center in Portland, Oregon, since he was little, but after seeing a commercial for it on the television, he decided he should give it a try again. He never liked it as a kid, but he wanted to see if he was any better as an adult. When David had an idea, he usually went with it, no matter how absurd or random it truly was.
When David arrived, he rented his skates and strapped them on, eager to get on the ice. The place was packed with tons of children. “Look at those brats everywhere,” said David aloud.
“What a jerk!” said a mother standing right next to him. “They’re just kids having fun!”
“Oh, shut up, you old hag!” replied David. “I’m going to show these kids a thing or two,” said David in a sassy tone.
When David put his feet on the ice, he immediately fell down, landing hard on his back. The woman laughed hysterically. “Looks like you really taught those brats a lesson!”
A little girl came up to David and said, “Can I help you get up?”
David rolled his eyes. “No, you can leave me alone, or I’ll have you booked for assault!”
The girl looked at her mother, shook her shoulders, then continued skating. David helped himself up and clung tightly to the barrier, not unlike the 5 year olds surrounding him. He pulled himself around the rink, hating his decision more and more with each passing step. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stand up without losing his balance.
After a single lap around, he was done. He got off the ice, took off his skates, and promptly returned them. “These skates must be defective. I fell immediately upon touching the ice. I expect a full refund!”
“Dude, you rented the skates. You knew the risks. No refunds.”
“You’re nothing but a no-good, miserable, oaf!” said David. He walked away angrily like a child that has been told “no” after asking for a cookie.
David went home, iced up his sore back, and watched figure skating on television. “You see, Fred and Barbra Streisand? That’s what I did today. You should’ve seen me. I made all of those brats so jealous,” he said as his cats slept at his feet.
David Emami is Alone in Portland is a collection of stories that peer into the life of a middle-aged curmudgeon with a fondness for cats and antiques.
Playfully illustrated with Bitmoji characters, his story comes to life as each day brings a new adventure.
He was obsessive compulsive and mad about antiques. The apartment was covered, top to bottom, in decor that would be more aligned with that of an old woman that peaked in the 1960s. david-emami-takes-on-portland.html
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