David was thrilled when he found a coupon in his mail for $5 off of a Hungry Man frozen dinner 12 pack at Costco, and he immediately jumped into his car to go and claim this incredible bargain. David Emami usually tried to stay out of the Portland Costco on a Saturday because it was always insanely busy, but when a good deal is at stake, David wastes no time.
David showed his Costco card proudly as he went inside, and was immediately bombarded with people, huge displays of technology, and the smells of food samples. David went straight to the food section because he couldn’t go into a Costco without trying all of their samples.
His first sample was a corn dog, cut up into small, bite-size pieces. “Why would you offer samples on frozen corn dogs,” asked David with his mouth full of food. “It’s not like we don’t know what they taste like,” he added.
“They’re on sale today! 40 of them for $10! Right down the aisle to my left!”
“No one could possibly eat that many corn dogs!” David walked away, eager to try something more exotic. He stopped at a station offering frozen tuna melts. “Now that looks delicious!” David popped a piece into his mouth and was immediately disappointed. Like a child, he bent over the trash can that was only inches from the man serving them and hacked and coughed until it all fell out. He then grabbed a napkin and scraped his tongue, trying to get the taste out. “That was putrid! You should be ashamed of yourself!”
“I just heat up the food, bro,” said the man, who was clearly not happy to be there in the first place. “No need to make a scene.”
“Oh, I’ll make a scene if I want! Someone has to warn these sheep that this food is inedible!” David shook his head in disgust and then heard the sound of a blender in the distance. His mouth watered as he saw a demonstrator blending up a smoothie and he knew he had to try it.
The man told the audience all about the product, but no one really cared, as they truly just wanted a free smoothie. When David got his tiny cup, he gulped it down and swallowed. He winced and exclaimed, “Is there urine in this? It’s terrible!” He threw his cup away, grabbed his frozen Hungry Man meals, and then waited for nearly 30 minutes to check out. He promised himself he’d never step foot in a Costco again.
David Emami is Alone in Portland is a collection of stories that peer into the life of a middle-aged curmudgeon with a fondness for cats and antiques.
Playfully illustrated with Bitmoji characters, his story comes to life as each day brings a new adventure.
He was obsessive compulsive and mad about antiques. The apartment was covered, top to bottom, in decor that would be more aligned with that of an old woman that peaked in the 1960s. david-emami-takes-on-portland.html
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