David Emami had a new neighbor and he wasn’t very happy about it. His new neighbors were a boyfriend and girlfriend that attended Portland State University. They were big into death metal and played it constantly, both on the stereo and on their drum set and guitars. David preferred smooth jazz and tunes from the 1950s, so this was quite an adjustment.
One evening, while watching a very upbeat, engaging episode of The Lawrence Welk Show, David heard them blasting their music and decided he had had enough.
“Those immoral idiots!” he shouted. He looked at Fred and Barbra Streisand. “You poor things. You must be as wound up as I am! It’s hard to even create a coherent thought in this place!” His cats laid their heads down and went back to sleep, clearly unbothered by the situation.
“Well, if you two lazy cats won’t do anything about it, I will!” David stood up and marched toward the door, but figured he should put his pants on first so his new neighbors wouldn’t see his Garfield boxer shorts he had purchased on sale at Walmart. Once he was fully clothed, he went outside across the walkway and knocked on their door. Nobody answered. He knocked again, this time louder. At last, the door opened.
“Hello?” asked the man.
“Do you have any idea how late it is?!” screamed David.
The guy looked at his smart watch. “Um, 7:30 pm?”
“Exactly. Right in the middle of The Lawrence Welk Show! Your music is making it impossible to enjoy the show and you’ve put me, Fred, and Barbra Streisand on edge.”
“Nevermind that. Just turn down that awful music!”
“We actually talked to the manager about it yesterday. She said that our volume was cool until 9 pm.”
“Cool? There’s nothing cool about your incoherent noise!”
The guy laughed. “You’re an odd guy, aren’t you?”
“If by odd, you mean classy and a gentleman, then yes, consider me odd.”
His girlfriend came to the door, wearing short shorts and an AC/DC shirt. “What’s up?” she asked.
“Your volume, though you probably don’t know that because you’re more than likely deaf.”
“Okay, now you’re just being rude. Goodnight.” The man slammed the door, leaving David alone outside. David ran back to his apartment and told Fred and Barbra Streisand all about it. They didn’t seem to care.
David Emami is Alone in Portland is a collection of stories that peer into the life of a middle-aged curmudgeon with a fondness for cats and antiques.
Playfully illustrated with Bitmoji characters, his story comes to life as each day brings a new adventure.
He was obsessive compulsive and mad about antiques. The apartment was covered, top to bottom, in decor that would be more aligned with that of an old woman that peaked in the 1960s. david-emami-takes-on-portland.html
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