David Emami was hungry and didn’t want to wait until he was home to prepare his food. After work, he pulled up to McDonald’s in the drive-through lane and looked at the menu.
“Can I take your order?” asked the unenthusiastic worker.
“Yes, I would like a Quarter Pounder with cheese, minus onion. Please, for the love of God, do not put onion on my burger!”
“You want that in a meal?”
“Of course I do. I’ll have a diet orange soda.”
“We don’t have diet orange soda.”
“Oh yes, I forgot. Oh, dear. Hmm…” David looked at the menu despondently. “I guess I’ll have a Cherry Coke.”
“We don’t have Cherry Coke. Just regular and diet.”
“What a sad day this is turning out to be! Fine, I’ll have a regular Coke.”
David was told to pull forward and when he arrived, he paid for his meal and awaited his food. After only a minute, he was given his order and he drove off. The smell of processed, greasy goodness enveloped his nostrils and he even drooled a little, causing some saliva to become trapped in his long, stringy goatee.
When he arrived at his apartment, he ran inside, desperate for a morsel of food. He sat on his couch and unwrapped a burger that looked nothing like the picture on the menu, then took a big first bite.
“Ugh! Yuck!” He spit it out onto the floor and his cats, Fred and Barbra Streisand, quickly ran up to him and devoured it. “Onions!” He pulled back the bun and it was worse than he expected. The bun was covered in diced onions so thick that he couldn’t even see the cheesy meat patty beneath. “It’s as if they sabotaged me on purpose! This isn’t an accident! This is terrorism! This is intentional hate speech!” David threw his burger on the floor and his cats went to town on it. “Go ahead, my feline friends. I want nothing to do with that garbage.”
David pulled out his french fries and devoured them while sipping at his Coke. He wanted to pen an angry letter in red ink and deliver it to the restaurant, but he began watching a very interesting documentary on PBS about the history of shoes and completely forgot about it.
David Emami is Alone in Portland is a collection of stories that peer into the life of a middle-aged curmudgeon with a fondness for cats and antiques.
Playfully illustrated with Bitmoji characters, his story comes to life as each day brings a new adventure.
He was obsessive compulsive and mad about antiques. The apartment was covered, top to bottom, in decor that would be more aligned with that of an old woman that peaked in the 1960s. david-emami-takes-on-portland.html
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